Train Up A Child.......Part 3

There comes that time when a child morphs from Hot Wheels and Barbie Dolls to fast cars and makeup. And for many parents this is when they freak out and start doing what they swore they would never do; act like their parents! They start to yell, scream, threaten, and demean along with everything else they hated about how their parents treated them when they were a teenager. After working with teenage students for over 11 years and counseling countless parents, let me share some steps that may help you be successful and even enjoy the teenage years.

1. Take Responsibility! If you ceased to feed, provide for, or even began to abuse your teenage student; you would be arrested and charged with neglect. As long as your child lives in your home, you are responsible. Just because they turn 16 and drive, doesn't mean you are off the hook for training them. Parents have told me, "I can't make my son do anything, he's 15 years old." That is a cop-out! What they mean to say is, "We don't want to deal with it because it will involve an argument, so we've decided to not do anything." Parents MUST take responsibility to teach, train, and raise their teenage students.
   
2. Set The Example! As I stated last week, if you don't like the behaviors and actions of your teenagers, step one is to evaluate the example the parents are setting in front of them everyday. To be fair, it's not always the parents fault for their teenagers behaviors and actions. But more often than not, the consistent Godly example of a parent is the greatest influence in the life of a teenager long-term. Yes, friends and culture are a huge influence as well, but notice I said the parents influence is the greatest "long-term."
   
3. Set Healthy & Fair Boundaries! Why does the highway department put a guardrail around the edge of a cliff? To keep you from running off and getting hurt or possibly killed. One of the most dangerous things parents can do is when they don't set up healthy and fair boundaries for their teenager. While your student will never say they appreciate your boundaries, they need them and WANT them! When you set no boundaries you are non-verbally saying, "I don't care about you." But when you do, even when they fight it, your boundaries express, "I love you so much I want to protect you!" Remember the key here is healthy and fair. Establish the consequences before they fail. That way they know what to expect and this lets them know the punishment is not based on anger. Then lovingly follow through with the consequences when they step outside the boundaries.
   
4. Talk TO Them Not AT Them! When our children are small we often use the phrase, "Because I said so." Mostly because they wouldn't understand even if we explained it to them. But once they start hitting the "tween" years (10 - 12) that answer isn't fair anymore. Why do teenagers not listen and roll their eyes when we talk to them? Usually because we aren't talking to them, we're talking at them. It's easier to talk at them. But they don't learn anything. Remember that one of the goals of parenting teenage students is to prepare them for adulthood. When you take the opportunity to talk to your teenager it means you discuss, explain truth, listen, hear their feelings as well, then take that all and come to an understanding that establishes a healthy & fair boundary. When you talk to your teenage student you will eventually earn their trust and respect.

These are just a few things to remember when training up your teenage students. Remember, no parent gets it right all the time. But when you mess up (and most of the time your child knows you messed up) set the example by talking about it with them and asking for their forgiveness. Many times I've had to apologize for disciplining unfairly or talking to them to harshly. There is nothing more humbling than to ask a 5, 12, or 17 year old to forgive you. But it feels good when you know you just set the example for what's right.

Have a great week!